It would be nice if work was truly meritocratic. It would be nice if good work simply spoke for itself, built the credibility you deserved and made the next strategic initiative easier to get over the line.

But leadership rarely works like that.

We are emotional beings. We make assumptions. We forget. We get distracted by our own challenges. We form opinions based on incomplete information and, more often than we like to admit, make decisions emotionally before finding a rational explanation afterwards.

I say this with great kindness.

Everyone is inside their own head, thinking about their own pressures, priorities, risks and next move. They may genuinely value you and still forget what you have delivered. They may support your work in principle and still fail to prioritise it. They may respect your capability but not yet feel emotionally connected enough to advocate for you when you are not in the room.

So it is on us to gently and consistently remind people of the value we bring, deepen our connection with them, understand what matters to them and get more comfortable making direct requests.

And, importantly, reciprocate.

Because influence is relational.

Your direct stakeholders are the people you interact with, rely on and need in order to make your work and life less stressful, more effective and, ideally, more enjoyable.

Some of these relationships will be obvious.

Your team members, past and present, are stakeholders because their experience of your leadership can make them feel motivated, loyal and willing to advocate for you — or deeply frustrated and ready to tell others why.

Your peers matter because they can make collaboration easier, help you solve problems faster and support your initiatives. This includes the people you naturally work well with and the ones you have never quite figured out how to get close to. Your boss is clearly important, whether you feel fully aligned or regularly find yourselves having two completely different conversations about the same thing.

Committee and board members matter because they may influence decisions, resources, priorities and perceptions of your work.

Clients and customers matter too — both the ones who love your service and the 20% who always seem to bring painful challenges.

Suppliers and business partners are stakeholders because their commitment, responsiveness and willingness to go the extra mile may directly affect your success.

And your stakeholders do not stop at the office door.

Your life partner and family matter. These are often the people who absorb the pressure when work is hard, support you through uncertainty and quietly keep things moving when your attention is elsewhere.

Friends and neighbours matter too. So do care workers, childminders and home helpers — the people whose reliability, care and emotional labour can release you to focus, work and earn.

These are all relationships that shape the quality of your life and leadership.

So ask yourself:

Which of these relationships are already strong?

And perhaps more importantly:

How do you know?

Strong relationships rarely collapse overnight.

More often, they weaken quietly.

You stop checking in. You become transactional. Every conversation becomes about a task, a problem or something you need. You assume the relationship is fine because there has been no obvious conflict. Then one day you need support, advocacy, flexibility or goodwill and discover that the emotional connection is not as strong as you thought.

Ask yourself:

Which relationships have I neglected?

And be honest about why.

Perhaps work became too busy.

Perhaps you unconsciously prioritised people with more obvious authority.

Perhaps there is tension you have been avoiding.

Perhaps the other person is very different from you and the relationship requires more effort.

Perhaps you have simply taken them for granted.

There is no value in judging yourself for the answer. The value is in seeing clearly.

These are all people who could make things easier for you, support you more strongly and help you achieve more — particularly when they understand what matters to you and you genuinely understand what matters to them.

One step removed from your direct stakeholders are the people who influence them.

These are your indirect stakeholders.

Their opinions matter because they may shape how your direct stakeholders think, decide and respond to you. For example, your boss may be close to the CFO. The CFO’s position on spend may repeatedly overrule decisions about your programme, even when your boss sees the initiative as strategically important.

Members of your team may have close collaborative relationships with people in other functions. Those conversations will influence how people think about your leadership, your team and your work.

Let’s make it even more personal.

Think about the best friend your life partner always listens to.

That person is an indirect stakeholder.

You may not rely on them directly, but their perspective matters because your partner values and trusts their judgement.

Indirect stakeholders matter because influence rarely moves in a straight line.

People talk.

They compare experiences.

They seek reassurance.

They ask people they trust what they think.

So one of the most useful stakeholder questions you can ask is:

Whose opinion does this person rely on and respect?

If you are an individual contributor without the authority of a large team, a significant budget or a powerful job title, your relationships become even more important.

Perhaps your role requires you to influence leaders and teams to adopt new standards, technology, processes or ways of working.

You may not be able to tell people what to do.

You may not control their priorities.

You may not have obvious leverage.

In that context, your ability to forge strong alliances is not a nice-to-have.

It is critical to your success.

People are more likely to listen to you, support you and make space for your ideas when there is trust, credibility and a meaningful relationship already in place.

This is one of the reasons Coach-Leaders invest in relationships before they urgently need something from them.

Just because you are not collaborating with someone right now does not mean there is no reason to build a relationship with them.

They may be influencing someone you do work with.

They may understand a risk, priority or stakeholder concern that you have not yet seen.

They may become important to your work later.

And understanding what matters to them now could help you advocate for them, support them and build credit long before you need their help.

There is another possibility too.

You might simply discover that you enjoy each other.

You may have an interest in common. You may admire their expertise, feel inspired by their style or discover a shared passion you would never have predicted from their job title.

What a bonus.

Not every valuable relationship needs an immediate business case.

Sometimes connection itself creates possibilities.

If you are not clear who is most important on your stakeholder list and why, you will continue neglecting some of the people who could have the biggest impact on your career, your leadership and your life.

So make the time to map it.

Grab a large notebook, a whiteboard or whatever works for you and write down the relationships around you.

Be honest with yourself.

And do not judge the conclusions.

Sometimes your boss’s support genuinely is more important than a peer’s support for a particular project. That does not mean the peer is unimportant. It simply means that, for this immediate objective, one relationship requires more attention.

That is okay.

What matters is that you make the choice consciously, can articulate it well and redress the balance when you need to.

Ask yourself:

Which relationships are already strong? How do I know?

Which relationships have I neglected? Why?

Whose opinion do my stakeholders rely on and respect?

Where do I need to invest more time and energy?

What would strengthening these priority relationships make possible?

How might neglecting them slow me down or derail something important?

Clarity changes how you invest your time.

Once you know where you need to invest, start creating some simple, low- or no-agenda opportunities to connect.

Not every meeting needs an outcome.

Sometimes the purpose is simply to know each other better.

You might say:

“I’d love to understand more about what you do.”

Or:

“I’d really like to hear more about how you manage your team.”

Perhaps you are curious about their expertise in a particular technology, their approach to design thinking, their business, their background, their culture or something they are clearly passionate about.

Then ask:

“Could we schedule some time for a coffee?”

Keep it light.

The aim is not to disguise a sales pitch or manipulate someone into helping you.

The aim is to become more curious.

If you listen carefully and ask good questions, you will start to discover what is really top of mind for people. You may hear what they are worried about.

What is blocking them.

What they are trying to protect.

What success means in their world.

You may notice the language they use and what that reveals about their personal values or communication style.

You might discover a big life ambition, an extraordinary back story, an unexpected obsession, or simply what they do to unwind at the weekend.

These things matter because stronger relationships are built when people feel seen beyond the immediate transaction.

Coach-Leaders listen for what matters.

They remember.

They follow up.

They notice.

And they do not wait until they need a favour to show an interest.

Once you have built a stronger connection with your stakeholders, you are better placed to make direct requests.

You can ask for support.

You can ask for counsel.

You can ask someone to challenge your thinking.

You can ask for advocacy.

You can ask them to help you socialise an idea, understand a risk or get a strategic initiative moving.

The request becomes easier because the relationship is not starting from zero.

There is context.

There is trust.

There is a better understanding of what matters to both of you.

But remember to reciprocate.

Offer the same support back.

Make introductions.

Share useful information.

Advocate for them when they are not in the room.

Celebrate their success.

Check in when things are difficult.

Because no one likes a taker.

And strong stakeholder relationships are not built by collecting people who can help you.

They are built through mutual interest, generosity and trust.

The strongest stakeholder relationships are rarely built in the moment you urgently need approval, buy-in or support. They are built quietly over time.

Through curiosity.

Consistency.

Direct conversations.

Remembering what matters.

Making thoughtful requests.

And giving something back.

So perhaps the question is not simply:

“Who do I need to influence?”

Perhaps the better question is:

“Which relationships deserve more of my attention before I need something from them?”

Because when people know you, trust you and understand what matters to you, influence becomes less exhausting.

And leadership becomes a little less lonely too.