Judge people too quickly and nobody wins

Nov 20 / Sehaam Cyrene

Your brain makes judgements in 100 milliseconds.

Here's how to slow down so your relationships don't pay the price.

In the blink of an eye, we judge people.
Research shows it takes just 100 milliseconds for our brains to decide whether someone is trustworthy, competent, likable, or potentially threatening.

The problem?
First impressions are not always accurate — but they shape our behaviour instantly and heavily.

We converse differently.
We listen differently.
We connect differently.
And in the end? Nobody wins.

Ignorant, Idiot, or Evil — The Fast Slide Into Judgement

In her book “Being Wrong — Adventures in the Margin of Error,” author Kathryn Schulz describes a familiar pattern we slip into when someone disagrees with us.

It goes like this:

1. “You’re just ignorant.”
You assume they simply don’t have the right information.

2. “You’re an idiot.”
When they still don’t agree, you conclude they’re not thinking logically.

3. “You’re evil.”
If they persist, we assign negative intent:
“You’re deliberately being difficult.”

This emotional escalation happens fast — especially when we’re attached to a predetermined outcome or sense of “rightness.”

And this happens before we’ve truly listened.
Write your awesome label here.

We Judge People in a Tenth of a Second

Princeton researchers Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov demonstrated that in 0.1 seconds we form impressions of:

  • Attractiveness
  • Likability
  • Trustworthiness
  • Competence
  • Aggressiveness

In their study, participants were shown neutralised photos of strangers and asked to rate them on these traits. It didn’t matter that the images had no distinguishing features — the brain still made instant evaluations.

These snap judgements happen long before logic or relationship-building has a chance to show up.

And once we judge someone, we unconsciously adjust our behaviour accordingly — sometimes for months or years.

How Those 5 Traits Influence Connection (or Disconnection)

Four of the traits — attractiveness, likability, trustworthiness and competence — activate feelings of warmth and connection.
This triggers oxytocin, the hormone associated with trust, bonding, and generosity.

The fifth trait — aggressiveness — releases cortisol and adrenaline, increasing stress, caution, and emotional distance.

Which means:

✔️ If you instinctively like someone, you’re more generous, patient, and open.
✖️ If you perceive threat or negativity, you shut down — fast.

It all happens subconsciously. And it affects leadership more than we care to admit.

We Judge Even When No Words Are Spoken

Here’s the wild part:
We don’t even need to speak to form these impressions.

Someone could be deep in thought, tired, or simply neutral — and we might read their face as:

  • irritated
  • cold
  • dismissive
  • unfriendly

Enter the famous (and often unfair) RBF/RAF:

Resting B*tch Face
Resting Ahole Face** (the male version used in pop culture)

These are real psychological phenomena. People unintentionally hold expressions that look judgemental or angry — even when relaxed.

The danger?
You respond to your interpretation rather than their reality.

And again — nobody wins.

The Oxytocin vs Cortisol Battle

When we judge someone too quickly, our brains shift into self-protection mode:

Less oxytocin = less generosity, less connection, less willingness to collaborate

More cortisol = more suspicion, more distance, more emotional defensiveness

From here, relationships get harder:

✖️ You won’t reach out to build rapport
✖️ Giving feedback feels harder
✖️ You make decisions without consulting them
✖️ You underestimate their influence or contribution

All because of a judgement made in 0.1 seconds.

Your vagus nerve (your internal threat-detection system) reads cues instantly — and so does theirs.
You feel the disconnect, and so do they.

And when disagreement or conflict comes?
There’s no emotional credit in the bank. No goodwill.
Resolution becomes harder — sometimes impossible.

Cortisol wins.
Connection loses.

How Leaders Stop Judging Too Fast

1. Slow down.
Give your brain time to catch up with your values.

2. Notice what story you’re telling yourself.
Ask: “What am I assuming about this person?”

3. Separate fact from interpretation.
What did they actually do — and what did you infer?

4. Ask more questions.
Curiosity disrupts judgement.

5. Listen deeply — especially when you disagree.
Listening keeps doors open that judgement slams shut.

Leadership isn’t about getting rid of judgement — that’s impossible.
It’s about pausing long enough for better information to arrive.

Because when we judge slower, everyone wins.

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